it’s funny how sometimes i feel empty after finishing a painting. it happened with Lilith and with some other ones… somehow i feel like i passed the point of what would be the best for that work, aesthetically. this is way too frustrating and feels like a lot of wasted work. Lilith looks too dark to me, excessively hot. i try to convince myself that is just how the painting is supposed to be, due to its demonic nature — we, artists, don’t have the control! people are praising it a lot, which is always flattering and encouraging, but believe me, I’m not the type that thinks it’s everything okay just because of that. i am very conscious of my limitations and very self-critical (maybe too much sometimes.)
last night i decided to doodle around to relax and try to find some comfort. i need to do that more. when you are not pressed by concepts or commitments is when you mind opens and ideas arise more easily and freely. i think i need to set myself free from my references, not to be so dependent on them. i need to play more with the body. i want more empty spaces. more elegance and serenity. i want less shadowy faces and color control, without losing the power.
i want my paintings dancing like the waters of a river. sometimes they just overwhelm me.